Television Characters
Sunday, February 2, 2014
50 All-time Greatest Characters in Television History: Introduction
TV shows have now been available, to some extent, for over 75 years. Of course, most people did not even own a television set well into the 1950s. So, after sifting through a rigorous survey of all the critically-acclaimed programs (and some less heralded), we have nailed down the 50 greatest TV characters ever. Longevity helps, which is why Senator/Vice President Frank Underwood only merits honorable mention at this time. Tobias Funke also brought tears of laughter to all of us at times, but his appearances did not quite make the show what it was, so he stands as a blue mention of honor. Also, just to make things interesting, if a particular TV character concluded his or her program still alive, we assumed that their character dies along with the actor (when applicable). For example, Agent Maxwell Smart never really died, but Don Adams died in 2005. With that, we feel like Agent Smart passed away in 2005 along with Adams. Please feel free to post your agreements or disagreements with our list, but more importantly, try to see things our way. **THERE ARE MAJOR SPOILERS INSIDE, SO PROCEED WITH CAUTION**
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50 All-time Greatest Characters in Television History: Honorable Mention
It was an unbearingly difficult decision to leave out the following characters, who were some of the all-time greats in their own merits. If you want to lash out and be angry, we completely understand and empathize.
Major Charles Winchester, M*A*S*H
Major Dick Winters, Band of Brothers
Liz Lemon, 30 Rock
Benjamin Matlock, Matlock
Jax Teller, Sons of Anarchy
Lily Aldrin, How I Met Your Mother
Tobias Funke, Arrested Development
Sylar, Heroes
Clay Morrow, Sons of Anarchy
Benjamin Linus, Lost
Paulie Gualtieri, The Sopranos
Jimmy Darmody, Boardwalk Empire
Buster Bluth, Arrested Development
Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners
50 All-time Greatest Characters in Television History: #16-18
#18: Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld
#17: Mary Richards, Mary Tyler Moore
#16: Jack Bauer, 24
Born: Around 1950
Where he is now: We will soon find out, as Jerry Seinfeld
just announced another Seinfeld reunion.
It took about 4 or 5 seasons before the audience finally
stopped applauding every first time Kramer would storm into Jerry’s apartment.
He is the clear fan favorite from the popular sketch comedy, and even snotty
intellectuals who call Kramer the only real dimwit on the show still appreciate
the color he brings. He reprises his role, years later, in an episode of Curb
Your Enthusiasm, and shows he has still not changed much.
Born: April 1939
Where she is now: As revealed in the 2000
made-for-television movie Mary and Rhoda, Mary later marries a congressman
named Steven Cronin with whom she has a daughter, Rose. After her husband's
death in a rock climbing accident, Mary discovers that her husband squandered
their money in his reelection campaigns. She relocates to New York City,
reconnects with her best friend Rhoda, and is hired at a network program.
Mary Richards was for women what Cliff Huxtable
was for the African-American community. While it’s true that Lucille Ball opened
the door for women, Mary Tyler Moore paved the way for a growing population
in 1970s America: divorced women. As co-producer of a local television news
network in Minneapolis, Mary Richards showed that a divorced single woman can
maintain a successful career, live independently, and date whoever she chooses
without having a husband or parents to lean on.
#16: Jack Bauer, 24
Born: February 18, 1966
Where he is now: Trying to stay out of harm’s way, but 24 is
coming back soon, so we will update this just as soon as we can
Is there anything Jack Bauer can’t do? He has saved the day
nine different times now (and they seem pretty sure the series is coming back
for more thrills). We have watched for years now as Jack has almost
singlehandedly taken on Islamic terrorists, the Russian mob, and even a
President (who looked and talked eerily similar to Richard Nixon, yeah?).
Somehow in 9 seasons, which equals nine different 24-hour days, Jack has never
eaten nor pooped.
Most defining moment: Early on in Season 1, Jack and the CTU
are trying to get information from a suspect. The bad guy refuses to talk,
smirks, and says they are powerless to do anything to him. Jack says, “Oh
really?” He then proceeds to pull out his .45 and blows the guy’s head off.
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50 All-time Greatest Characters in Television History: #19-21
#21: Barney Fife, Andy Griffith Show
Born: 1924
Died: 2006
Sometimes considered a blowhard with delusions of grandeur,
Barney fancies himself an expert on firearms, women, singing and just about any
other topic of conversation brought up while he is around. Conversely, Andy
knows that Barney's false bravado is a smokescreen for his insecurities, and
low self-confidence.
Most defining moment: In one episode, Barney brags that he
knows about the Emancipation Proclamation. When Andy calls Barney's bluff and
asks him to explain it to Opie for his history class, Barney becomes defensive
and blurts out that it was a proclamation for emancipation, and leaves
irritated.
#20: Frank Barone, Everybody Loves Raymond
Born: 1932
Died: December 13, 2006 (Richard Boyle)
It’s difficult to pick one person from the cast of Everybody
Loves Raymond in terms of who the favorite is. Besides Raymond, who is arguably
one of the worst TV characters ever, the other characters are just about
exactly even in terms of lines given, flare, stage presence, and what they
bring to the show overall. Frank, however, is blatant, obscene, and always
straightforward, and people love seeing him on-screen.
Most defining moment: While sitting at the kitchen table,
Richard Boyle, the actor who portrays Frank, goes to insult Marie as per the
script, but then in real life he begins choking. Viewers can clearly see the
other actors immediately starting to express real-life concern; however, Boyle
improvises and says, “Ah, crap, I was choking. Set me up again, Marie!” The
scene stayed, untouched.
#19: Sheriff Andy Taylor, The Andy Griffith Show
Born: 1926
Died: 2012
“America’s Sheriff,” Andy Taylor knows everybody’s name in
the town of Mayberry, North Carolina. He frequents Floyd’s barber shop,
provides jail shelter for Otis, the town drunk, and always seems to put up with
highly annoying Aunt Bea, while also dealing with that idiot son of his.
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50 All-time Greatest Characters in Television History: #22-24
#24: Frasier Crane, Cheers/Frasier
Born: December 1952
Where he is now: In "Caught in the Act" (2004),
Frasier's ex-wife Nanny G (Laurie Metcalf), real name Nanette Guzman, is tired
of being the children's song singer and tries to rekindle, but Frasier refuses.
(Nanny G was previously portrayed by Emma Thompson in Cheers episode "One
Hugs, the Other Doesn't" (1992) and by Dina Spybey in "Don Juan in
Hell, Part 2" (2001) as part of Frasier's imaginary dream.) Later, he
falls in love with the matchmaker Charlotte Connor (Laura Linney), but the
romance turns out to be short-lived when she moves to Chicago. In the 2004
two-part series finale, "Goodnight, Seattle", Frasier is offered a
job as the host of his own television talk show, located in San Francisco and
has decided to take it. However, in the final scene of the show, It is revealed
that Frasier has taken an airplane to Chicago where Charlotte has moved.
Born: 2230
Where he is now: Spock carried a life-long interest in art, literature, poetry, music (especially the Vulcan lute and the piano), and three-dimensional chess. (TOS: "Requiem for Methuselah", "Where No Man Has Gone Before", "Charlie X", "The Cloud Minders", "Court Martial"; TAS: "The Jihad", "The Magicks of Megas-Tu") He disliked Italian food, possibly because like most Vulcans, he was a vegetarian. (TOS: "All Our Yesterdays"; TAS: "The Slaver Weapon"; Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home)Spock carried a life-long interest in art, literature, poetry, music (especially the Vulcan lute and the piano), and three-dimensional chess. (TOS: "Requiem for Methuselah", "Where No Man Has Gone Before", "Charlie X", "The Cloud Minders", "Court Martial"; TAS: "The Jihad", "The Magicks of Megas-Tu") He disliked Italian food, possibly because like most Vulcans, he was a vegetarian. (TOS: "All Our Yesterdays"; TAS: "The Slaver Weapon"; Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home)
Born: September 1984
Where he is now: Probably prison… We see almost no way the
feds allow him to walk in the aftermath of the finale.
Jesse is impulsive, hedonistic, and uneducated, but also
personable and possesses street-smarts. He talks in playful slang, frequently
using words like "yo" and "bitch", and likes to wear garish
clothing that follows the latest trends in youth culture, play video games,
listen to loud music, take recreational drugs, and drive cars outfitted with
gadgets to make them "bounce". Jesse's MyShout page lists his general
interests as "Fine herbage! Keepin' it real, Jui Ryo Ki Kung-Fu (blue belt
with shuriken certification). Bangin' the skins with my smokin' band
'TwaüghtHammër'. European motorcross (plan to attend Wheelie School in Vegas
this summer. MILF's, MILF's, MILF's, MILF's!" Also on his MyShout page,
Jesse mentions "I'm totally cool with ethnics - Black, Mexican,
whatever...as long as you're SMOKIN' HOT, YO!" Jesse often enjoyed hanging
out and smoking with his friends, Badger and Skinny Pete, and purchasing items
like a giant-screen television for his home or a Roomba vacuum cleaner.
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50 All-time Greatest Characters in Television History: #25-27
#27: Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Born: July 2, 1947
Where he is now: Last time we left him, 2 years ago, he was
in Paris, arguing with a man about a poorly-executed parking job.
Let’s face it: we all have a little bit of Larry David in
us. Just think about how frequently we abide by societal customs that make
little to no sense to us, yet we do them just because everybody else does. Not
Larry. He has no filter, and we enjoy every minute of watching him. He usually
ends up on the short end of the stick in the aftermath of his gaffes,
manipulations, and other actions or reactions society would otherwise deem
improper, but when he wins we all smile.
Born: 1965
Died: Summer of 2011: Charlie Harper died in Paris after
being struck by a train. The season 9 premiere featured his funeral with one of
Charlie's trademark bowling shirts and a pair of cargo shorts hanging by his
closed casket. Rose explained that he had proposed to her in Paris and the next
few days had been happy but when she returned from shopping one day, she found
him showering with another woman. The next day he fell off a Paris Métro
platform and was struck by a train, his body exploding "like a balloon
full of meat." (It is implied by Rose and suggested by Berta that Rose was
responsible for Charlie's death with the statement "Never cross a crazy
woman.")
Many longtime fans of Two and
a Half Men were sure that the show was hilarious in spite of Charlie Harper,
not because of him. Enter Ashton Kutcher to prove them all (me included)
gravely incorrect. Charlie Harper brought to the show (and sitcoms, in
general), a Stone Cold Steve Austin-like attitude, not giving a hoot about his
reputation, his future, or even his own well-being. We watched for years as he
had girl after girl, drink after drink, and hangover after hangover. It was not
until he was gone did we realize just how intrical he truly was to the show.
Most defining moment: The crickets we hear every time Ashton Kutcher says or does anything
#25: Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory
Born: 1981
Where he is now: The last time we left him, he was laughing
the night away with James Earl Jones
There is the 1972 Miami Dolphins (not that he cares about sports), Abraham Lincoln, World War
II Allied forces, China’s population, and Sheldon Cooper. Those things are all
number one, at least in Sheldon’s mind. He does occasionally unveil some sort
of humanity, but that is not what we want to see. No, we enjoy laughing at his
failed interactions with every person he comes in contact with. By the way,
next time you watch an episode you should watch Leonard’s reactions of anger
every time Sheldon says or does something offensive. Seeing and understanding
Leonard’s stress will give you an even bigger love for the show, just watch.
Most defining moment: Sheldon wins the Nobel Prize for
Physics (has not yet happened).
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50 All-time Greatest Characters in Television History: #28-30
#30: Gustavo Fring, Breaking Bad
Born: Unknown, but the actor was born in 1958
Died: October 9, 2011
If dictionaries had photos in place of definitions, Gus
Fring’s pic would sit next to the word “professionalism.” Vocabulary perusers should bear in mind,
however, that if they cross this owner of Los Pollos Hermanos, they might as
well search for the word “afterlife,” as Gustavo can, and will, become bitterly
ruthless if he must. Breaking Bad was such an amazing series that nobody
watching would dare wander from their sets without hitting pause first;
however, if they did they certainly would not do so when Gus was in the scene.
Most defining moment: Gus poisons himself and over a dozen
of his most hated enemies, then goes to the men’s room. He methodically takes off
his suit, delicately folds and places it on the counter, then vomits the poison
drink into the commode. He puts the suit back on, then returns to watch his
longtime foe bite the dust in agonizing pain.
Born: 1925
Where he is now: Retired
Over 50 years ago Robert Petrie was the JFK of TV. Women
loved him. Men wanted to be him. A successful writer for the Alan Brady Show in
Manhattan, Rob was beloved by audiences as the show enjoyed their long reign at
#1 for years. Interesting trivia fact: do you know the connection between the
Dick Van Dyke Show and the Big Bang Theory? Just google “the producer and
director of the Dick Van Dyke Show” and see for yourself.
Most defining moment: Tripping over a goat on a mountain while skiing and "spraining his body"
Born: 1974-76
Where he is now: being a surprisingly devoted father to his daughter
The last words that his uncle told him before he left were
"Never stop partying". Throughout his childhood, Barney was
constantly lied to by his mother to protect his feelings; for example Barney
was told by his mother that he couldn't play basketball because he was too good
and it wasn't fair for the other kids, but in reality his coach didn't want him
on the team. Barney was also not a popular child and was always picked on. In
the seventh grade, Barney was being picked on by Matthew Panning, who was
bragging about how he had sex with 100 girls. In response, Barney told Matthew
Panning that he would one day sleep with 200 girls, a promise he fulfills.
Because Barney grew up in the city, he never learned how to drive.
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